Where Do I Begin?

Where do I begin a testimony that has no ending? I thought about this question for a while before my fingers began clicking away at the keys of my laptop. My mind kept rolling around the thought that, the Lord is still continuing to write my story... our stories. How do I know what the meaning of the culmination of my life is thus far... if I did, wouldn't I be so comforted in knowing that every peg was neatly placed in its hole? Then of course that got me to thinking that if every peg was neatly placed in its hole and it all made sense then would I really even have a testimony at all?

That's just it! Every peg is not neatly placed in its hole and every hole is not round to fit a peg. There are so many pieces and parts to a life story that it hardly ever seems to make sense. Sometimes we just don't have the understanding and sometimes we need to know that not knowing is enough.

I have learned that trusting and faith are an ongoing process and that the Lord portions these out on an as needed basis. Of course I will forget this again soon and the Lord with His tireless sovereignty will continue to patiently remind me. Just when I think I have it figured out and am comforted by my own "understanding" and "knowledge" of what I think the Lord was trying to teach me or how He was refining me...(aka...pride & man's logic with a dose of the world's wisdom thrown in for good measure) ...the boat begins to rock again and the storms begin to rise again and I realize how little I actually trust and how little my faith really is, as I grip the boat rails, white-knuckled and roll my eyes, thinking "Here we go again..."

I'm feeling a little PTSD about "life" these days... what with everything we have been through since April 2007 and all. I have begun to notice a pattern that I have developed in my relationship with the Lord when I sense the storms beginning to rage again. It begins with my disbelief or denial that God would allow me/us to go through anymore hardships right now... I am so sure of what of the Lord will or will not do. Uh-oh reminder to self: I should NEVER put God in a box! Have I learned anything? No. Nothing.

Then I realize God absolutely can and will allow the storms to continue to rage, so that He can continue the good work He has started in me. I accept that my refinement is going to continue, even amidst such already fresh and still hurting wounds. So goes my transition into the acceptance phase. Only I still do not fully trust the Lord to protect me, so I begin to strategize. "Wily like a serpent. peaceful like a dove" I tell myself. (Matthew 10:16 (KJV) Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.)

I try to finish in the flesh, what began in the spirit. (Galatians 3:3 (KJV) Are ye so foolish? having begun in the Spirit, are ye now made perfect by the flesh?) This is always a big, huge, enormous NO-NO. I am slapped down so hard by the storm that I am left water logged and tear stained with my ears ringing. I feel confused, abandoned and betrayed by the Lord. Have I learned anything? No. Nothing.

My feelings of betrayal and abandonment lead to my angry phase... I raise my tiny clenched fist and shake it at the Lord. I demand that He acknowledge my obedience and willingness. I demand that He take notice that I have been a faithful steward. I demand that He "use" someone else for a while. I make many demands, all the while knowing once I finish with my tantrum that the Lord will still be waiting patiently. I do not mean to make light of this phase, this is a truly gut wrenching phase to which often times I never want to leave. Anger is comfortable and familiar to my flesh. I threaten to turn from God during this phase. Telling Him that, "He can only use me to fulfill His will for His glory, if I am willing. So what if I weren't willing?" I bluff. I know I am bluffing despite the fact that I really don't want to bluff this time. I behave much like a child that threatens to runaway and only makes it to the front step before turning around and stubbornly stomping back into the house. With a sour look on my face and my arms crossed I let the Lord know I am willing but I am not happy about it.

At which point I enter my bargaining phase. "Well okay Lord I'll accept the process but you could do it this way or that way" or "How about while I'm busy waging this storm if you just take care of that over there then...kay?" or "if you reveal yourself in this way Lord, by answering this prayer, like this, then I will feel stronger in my faith to take that on" As if I should have the answers or position to bargain with the Lord...my Creator...Creator of ALL things?! Who am I to think I should have anything worth bargaining for with the Creator of ALL things?! I know what is coming next and my bargaining phase is usually just my attempt at delaying the next phase. Have I learned anything? No. Nothing.

Now if I allowed myself to get stuck here I would become engulfed in self condemnation I would be swallowed whole by the storm and the accumulating attacks coming at me... rather I slowly and gingerly step into my next phase with Him which is the phase of surrender. I finally submit to His will because ultimately I know that what I want is, His will for my life. A prayer I have prayed so many times... "His will to be planted like a seed as the desires of my heart." Aah the fruition of answered prayer and the long-suffering that comes in order to be like clay in the potter's hands. I confess and repent and ask "to be emptied of myself and for the Holy Spirit to fill me, that I might be used as a vessel of the Lord." I finally surrender completely and delve whole-heartedly into His Word suiting up in the Lord's armor, I go into daily and constant fellowship with Holy Spirit. I am reminded of the bliss-full contentment that settles around me as the storm continues to rage all around me, yet in this realm of divine grace I am focused solely on the Lord. The storms raging all around me disappear from my heart and mind and soul but not because the circumstances have changed...no the circumstances haven't changed, not for the better anyway and The Lord hasn't changed He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. So what changed? Me. I changed.

I chose to step out in faith again and to trust in the Lord and He has been faithful as ever to portion out His grace for me again. Yet all the while around me, it would seem my circumstances should dictate otherwise, I am at complete divine peace because I am also reminded that I am not fighting for victory I am fighting from victory! You see this was never MY testimony or MY battle or MY story to begin with. It was His all along. His testimony, His battle, His story and He is the author and has already written the ending of this story. He is the victor! He will triumph gloriously!

How is it, that though I have been here many times I forget so quickly how magnificent it is, not only to be in my Father's arms but in His army? I am reminded of the disciples who traveled with Jesus while he walked the earth as a man... Jesus had multiplied the fish and the loaves to feed the multitude... the disciples had just witnessed this miracle and yet the next day or a few days later (I'm not sure of the exact time lapse) the disciples were in angst again about how they were yet again going to feed the multitude with only a few fish and a few loaves... even though they had just witnessed Jesus' miracle a few days prior?! This imagery provides a perfect perspective for me to understand that the grace of the Lord is supplied in perfect portion for today's demands. We need to daily go to the cross and petition for today's supply of grace, faith, trust and peace. We are not meant to worry about tomorrow, today (Matthew 6:34 (KJV) Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.)

I am so grateful for the Lord's sovereign grace already in supply and just waiting for me to receive it...waiting for me to say "Yes Lord I will ride with you!"