If Autumn was Yesterday...

I have always loved fall...I had always looked forward to it with such great anticipation when I was young and when my children were young...their 1st days of school...the beginning of a new academic year for them...new friends to be made and new and exciting challenges to be met...the sharpening of new pencils...the eager nervous chatter about meeting their new teachers and which familiar friends were going to be in their class...the crisp blank sheets of paper tightly bound in a new notebook...a fresh start!

As I drive home from the mall today...you guessed it, school shopping... Levi and Shannon are in the backseat graciously tolerating the country tunes that Josh has selected for our listening pleasure. Josh is riding shotgun and his deep smooth voice comforts me as he sings along to the Ron Pope love song, "Drop in the Ocean." I know he is thinking and pining away for his girl, who has gone off to school, as he sings each heartfelt lyric...while secretly I am thinking about him with each heartfelt lyric. The late August sun flickers through the car windows and though, the leaves aren't changing as early as some Augusts' past, the air is dryer than it was even a week ago and it is obvious change is in the air.

Autumn is coming and in two weeks I will not be wearing a pathetic attempt at a brave smile while I wave to him as he climbs aboard a yellow school bus. No. In two weeks I will most likely be clinging to him for dear life, not wanting to let go, while he tolerates my separation anxiety with his embarrassed crooked grin, the one where only the right side of his mouth goes up into a smile and with a roll of his eyes he'll peel me off of him. At least that is how I envision his departure as he heads to Georgia... to his new family... the United States Army. I will not be welcoming him home by 3 that same afternoon, eager to hear about his day while he eats his snack and tells me all about the new friends he's made and his deep psycho-analysis of his new teacher. No. I have no idea when I will hear from him once he leaves. I will have no idea who he is meeting and what his worries are... what he likes best... what he hates or what his deep psycho-analysis is about his superiors.

I reach over and touch his arm and I don't know why but for some reason I am surprised that it is the arm of a man. It is covered with soft hair...lots of it! And the baby skin that I used to covetously caress is gone...has been for quite some time now, he is 21 after-all. I look over at his broad handsome features as he sings along with Ron Pope to/about his girl... He is not thinking of me. I am no longer his world. He has found someone who fills his thoughts...as it should be. But for me, he is all I can think of lately. I am awe struck by this man next to me. He is not what I picture in my thoughts...in my thoughts he is "Joshy" my wonderfully plump baby...my anxious little boy...my obnoxious teenager...my talkative friend. Where did the time go? It seems like just yesterday that he was strapped into his car seat behind me, pushing on the back of my seat with his powerfully strong and restless feet while he babbled and growled his baby sounds. He always loved to talk. Even before he could talk, he was talking....moving... exploring...always restless to go, go, go!

During our drive home from the mall, Josh frequently interrupts my thoughts, telling me about the artist, Ron Pope. He tells me the background of each song we listen to and about Ron's broken heart due to his fiance dying in a tragic car crash 3 weeks before their wedding, which is what inspired the album. He tells me that Ron is from Boston and his fiance was from Belgrade... he talks and sings and sings and talks. He talks about his Emily and about running and other PT he is doing. He talks about my terrible driving and this and that and before I know it, we are home.

Autumn will be here before I know it too. The Pumpkin Festival will come and go. The leaves will burst into fiery color and each fall breeze will pluck them from their fragile tethers and whisk them away as if they never were. Thanksgiving will come and go. The cold breath of winter will bring its gray sky as we all scurry to finish up last minute Christmas shopping. Josh says he'll be home for Christmas...

I don't think I much care anymore for the change that Fall brings.

I LOVE you Joshy! You changed my life when you came into it! I am so thankful that the Lord privileged me with raising you!

My birthday wish for Cote...

It was 20 years ago today that I delivered my 2nd child...another son. We named him Dakota and called him Cote for short. It seems like just yesterday that I watched as my husband held both of our beautiful boys in his arms...one newly born that day and the other...a few days shy of 13 months old.

My heart felt as if it would burst watching Josh lean over to kiss his very 1st brother. As a parent you are never prepared for that kind of love and joy to fill your heart...watching your children love each other and bring each other joy!

Josh and Cote...sigh...they were inseparable, even their names were inseparable. Once Cote was born...it was never just "Josh" or just "Cote"....it was always "Josh and Cote." They lived and loved like twins. Best friends from that very 1st day! They balanced each other out perfectly too. Where one lacked the other made up for it.

Cote was never a big talker...always toddling around with his passy moving and squeaking to the rhythm of his sucking...and Josh never stopped talking...even before he could talk...he made as much noise as he could trying to let us know what he wanted. Once Cote came along, Josh, talked for 2. Of course once in a while Cote would remove his passy...and his New Jersey accent...we have no idea where it came from...? Would be deep and matter of fact as he stated what it was that he wanted to share or if he was protesting or praising Josh for something... but more often than not Josh was Cote's voice. Hyper and high-pitched and excitable.

Cote was always the planner of the 2...a methodical mind, able to strategize and predict the best way to approach whatever it was they were doing...from applying the stickers that came with their GI Joe guys' plastic tank...to figuring out how to get the tire swing up on top of their Little Tikes playhouse so that they could swing down from the top... and then as they got older...things like, making sure to set their alarm clock...or teaching Josh how to tie his tie...somethings just came easier for Cote. Josh on the other hand was the more impulsive of the 2... running high on adrenalin and hyperactivity...always talking and expressing what his needs were...while Cote went about quietly waiting for us to somehow know what his needs were and waiting for them to be met.

Each of their personalities had their own benefits and drawbacks, as their parents...with Josh we never had to wonder or guess what was going on in his life or what he wanted...yet he never stopped hounding... asking... expressing... talking... crying... fussing. Cote on the other hand...rarely ever fussed or cried or demanded or asked...he let Josh do it for him...but at the same time, as parents, we were often left wondering what he wanted or needed or what was going on in his life? This is still true today. We are still left trying to sleuth out what is going on with him. This can be so unsettling as a parent.

They were so connected, Josh & Cote...I remember the 1st time Josh went away to an overnight camp...how Cote cried and cried...lamenting out loud...which was SO rare..."Why? Why did Josh have to go away and leave me here all alone...Why couldn't I go too? Why? Why didn't anybody ever think of that? Why didn't anybody think to let me go with him. Oh Josh I miss you...I miss him...Josh!" finally crying himself to sleep.

It broke our hearts as parents, to not be able to console Cote's broken heart...all he wanted was his big brother...nothing else would do. It surprised us as to just HOW connected they actually were. We had always thought of Cote as more of the "bigger" brother because he was so much more cautious and methodical than Josh, so often times it seemed that Cote was in charge, but really he was Josh's little baby brother that needed his big brother in order to feel complete. It was because of Josh that Cote could be methodical and cautious. Somehow they just worked together in a beautiful and touching synchronicity.

Then there was Cote's role as the actual older brother...when Cote was just 4 months over 2 years old, Chris came along and then 18 months later Levi made his appearance into the family. Cote was in bliss as he loved and nurtured his baby brothers...while Josh on the other hand liked them...loved them...but really couldn't be bothered for more than a few minutes to pay attention to them. Cote was constantly picking them up holding them, bringing them their blankets or toys...picking up their bottles when they would drop them...or making cute little baby sounds to them when they would cry...while rubbing their heads ever so gently with a soft smile on lips. Their crying or any baby crying never intimidated him. He was always so in love with babies...even as a baby himself. It was precious to witness his nurturing love and care for his brothers and then once his brothers got older his slew of cousins.
(Left to right: Cote, Chris, Josh)



A certain softness would come over his face as he held them and any repressed smiles were sure to pop out when there was a baby in his arms. It was practically the only time we ever heard Cote talk when it wasn't really, really important...was when he was talking sweetly to whatever baby he had cradled in his arms.

(Cote & Cousin Sam)....................................................(Cote & Cousin Emeria)














(Cote & Cousin Ethan)...................................................(Cote & Cousin Reagan)













(Cote & Cousin Hannah)........................................(Cote & Cousins Luke & Paige)










All of his brothers think that they are his favorite brother and he is the favorite among his brothers...or at least was...once his cousin Paige died (2&1/2 years ago) something changed in him...his heart was so utterly broken. He became a ghost in our family.

(Left-right: Levi, Cote, Josh & Chris)

Cote's broken heart was one of the reasons we decided to have another baby. When I teased him that his dad and I were going to try to have a baby, a spark came back to his eyes and a genuine smile. "Really?" he asked "If you're just kidding, you can get out of my room, and I'm not kidding!" I knew he wasn't kidding either...he rarely, if ever, let us know what he wanted. He was expressing his desire which he just never did.

When he found out I was pregnant with Isaiah, hope settled there within his eyes. he came out of his room more and smiled more. Many times through-out my pregnancy he would tell me how the baby was really going to be his and not mine or dad's...that he was going to take that baby everywhere with him...even to basketball...everywhere. "I'm not kidding you know? You think I'm kidding I'm not. The baby is going to sleep in my room too! All the time, every night! I'm serious!" I knew he was serious, Cote rarely expressed himself so when he did, he meant it!

I was so pleased and filled with joy thinking that I was going to be able to have some role in how God chose to heal Cote's broken heart! I could finally give my son...who never asked for anything...something! But it was not meant to be. Cote's healing was not to come this way.

At 20 weeks gestation my water broke and after 3 weeks of absolute bed-rest in the hospital, Isaiah was born and against all odds he lived more than a few hours...and then beating even greater odds he lived for more than 2 days...and then beating even greater odds...he lived more than 7 days...it seemed he had beat such great odds that even the Drs were starting to believe he would beat ALL the odds! But by the end of the 8th day his lungs started to fail and Isaiah died at 10 days old. It was the longest 10 days of our family's life! A roller coaster of emotions and faith and hope and life and death!

It seemed as if only more heart ache were heaped on top of Cote's already broken heart. God was going to have to heal Cote in some other way. Though I can not even begin to know how God is going to do this, I do believe that He will, that He is! Though I can not see it and it seems that things are worse than ever for Cote's heart...I know, I just know and believe with all my heart that God is healing him... fully... completely ...not part way, according to my limited knowledge but in ways I may never even know!

Seems weird and surreal when I look back at the day Cote was born. The blissful ignorance with which I brought him into this world...never knowing or thinking of all that could go wrong. In love with my own youth...in love with my husband...in love with my 1st born son and now in love with my 2nd...who would've guessed how God would ferment me along the way...to be in love with Him too. I loved God but had never been in love with Him.
(Cote and I, 4yrs ago...July 2006)

Would I change any of it if I could? Sometimes if I am really honest with myself...I know I would...I know I would choose to be holding my squirmy precious Isaiah in my arms or better yet, watching Cote hold his baby brother in his arms...but then I remind myself that God knows what He is doing and that He allowed this to happen...and I know that He has a better plan. It takes my mind and heart a while to constantly wrap themselves around this knowledge but God is sovereign and continually gives me the grace I need to remember this, know this and believe this.

If I had but 1 birthday wish for Cote, it would be that he too would know and believe this.

© Copyright 2010 Christine Maxwell All rights reserved