Well July 4th came and went and nothing changed except the emotional rollercoaster ride, with its ups and downs. I am beginning to be able to know when the waves of grief are coming and though they are further apart, they do not feel any less painful. I try to brace myself but it is like watching your finger about to be slammed in a car door...its as if it is all happening in slow motion but there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop it and just knowing it is coming doesn't mean you don't feel the searing, burning, crunching pain of the door clamping its metal weight down on your finger and trapping it there.
I am tired and going to bed but I doubt I will find sleep! Truth be told July 3rd was worse emotionally, July 4th I was numb...I think there was some nerve damage when the door slammed on me this time. Ugh! So sick of it!
Chris, Psalm 42: 8 says, “Yet the Lord will command his loving kindness in the day time, and in the night His song shall be with me”. It’s true that the Lord commands His loving kindness in the daytime. And we can and should thank Him for that love, for that kindness. But it’s in the night, when the darkness seems to swallow our soul into itself, when our soul feels like an open sore, raw and tender to the touch that we need a song from the Lord to carry us through to the other side where dawn breaks forth in radiant splendor. May the burdens you have been carrying be lightened by Jesus putting a song in your heart.
ReplyDeleteI know for most, the anticipation of a date is far more traumatic than when the day arrives..the build up before hand is so intense--some years it will seem worse than others.
ReplyDeleteYou are right, it is like watching a sledge hammer coming and not being able to move--I think that is something that never subsides--the time between events lessens.....You will be OK, Mama.
Love you!